In this month’s “Dear Eugene,” we explore traveler’s options for what to do about a flirtatious seat mate.
Inspired by our intrepid founder, Eugene Fodor, Dear Eugene is a monthly series in which we invite readers to ask us their top travel questions. Each month, we’ll tap travel experts to answer your questions with the hopes of demystifying the more complicated parts of travel. Send your questions to [email protected] for a chance to have them answered in a future story.
Iam afraid this is another one of those instances where Hollywood is to blame for instilling misguided romantic notions in the public psyche. Plane travel meet-cutes abound in movies––think George Clooney and Vera Farmiga connecting over a drink at an airport bar in Up in the Air, or Ben Affleck and Sandra Bullock trauma-bonding after their plane hits a flock of birds during takeoff in Forces of Nature.
But of course, for a fleeting interaction between two strangers in transit to be truly romantic, they both need to be into it, which you clearly weren’t. It’s unfortunate that the classic headphones tactic wasn’t explicit enough for your seatmate but don’t fret; there are other things you can try next time to help convey your disinterest and discomfort without escalating feelings of awkwardness.
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Most of us (emphasis on most) are subconsciously attuned to the body language of others. Physically turning away from the other person to stare out the window or across the aisle while folding your arms in front of you defensively can help transmit a potent don’t-bother-me energy. You could also try wearing a hoodie and sunglasses as a kind of sartorial exclamation point.
Another tip is to be purposeful about the placement of your feet. According to etiquette coach and body language expert Jamila Musayeva, they’re constantly giving off clues about how comfortable you are.
“Think about times where you’ve liked someone and turned your feet towards them and almost leaned in,” well, this is the opposite, Musayeva explains. “If our feet are pointing away from the person then most likely we want to escape this conversation. Even though you might not be saying anything verbally, your body is telling them you want to run away from them.”
If you look at the assortment of passengers on any given flight, it’s a real melting pot of backgrounds, cultures, and temperaments. Flight attendants are used to interacting with people from all walks of life under pressurized circumstances, so they know exactly how to de-escalate tense situations. In other words, they are your greatest allies in this situation.
Heather Poole, a flight attendant and author of the book Cruising Altitude, recommends stepping out of your seat as if you’re headed to the restroom before privately approaching one of the flight attendants for help.
“If a passenger does everything they can to disengage from unwanted attention and still feels uncomfortable, they should walk to the front or back of the plane and talk to a flight attendant about what’s going on,” she suggests. “A flight attendant can ask a passenger to leave another passenger alone for the duration of the flight.”
They might even help you move to a different seat if there are open ones available, she says, putting some necessary space between the two of you.
Telling someone to leave you alone is easier said than done, especially if you’re a chronic people pleaser or a woman who has been conditioned to avoid being assertive. Just remember, the conversation doesn’t have to be combative to be effective.
“You can say, ‘Having a conversation right now is not appropriate for me because I’m feeling quite anxious on this plane, and I would rather rest.’ Or ‘I’m very busy, and I need to work,’” says Musayeva. “When you are describing the action, not the person, then they become more okay with your comment.”
It’s not only the wording that’s important; your tone is equally powerful, says Musayeva. “Your tone should be very firm, and your pitch shouldn’t go up at the end of your sentence because that suggests you’re questioning yourself.” Politely yet firmly stating your position should get the job done more efficiently than relying on them to interpret your non-verbal cues.
“It might feel rude, but don’t let that stop you from self-care,” says Poole. “I’ve spent my entire career reminding people to put their mask on first and then assist others, and it seems like that’s very difficult for people to do nowadays.”
The bottom line: You shouldn’t have to thwart unwanted romantic attention in a setting where personal space is already a nebulous concept. Nip this behavior in the bud quickly, fire up a good movie, and enjoy the rest of your journey in peace.
